And now...

...a moment to reflect on the purpose of this blog.

I find it hard for me to write about my experiences to people and give them an honest look at what roams aimlessly through my head. In all honesty, I'm not really someone who has led a life of any distinction, valor, pride or any other fill in the blank honorific. In my mind, I am not a particularly distinguished individual. I haven't composed any songs, I haven't really made a tangible difference in the lives of other, or at least not enough to justify a blog devoted to detailing my awesome-ness. So this actually brings me to the reason why i'm writing tonight.

What is the purpose of this blog?

Am i doing it to give readers a chance to read about the wanderings of someone else's life? And if so, do I lead a life that interesting enough to read about?

Or

Am I writing simply to air out thoughts of mine that I feel wander around my head but don't make to the light of day? Some of them are crazy. Others are wrong. Some would probably even get me arrested. It could be for the best that they stay in my head (or at least plastered to my therapists' metaphorical white walls).

I guess that's the risk that you take when you write a blog. You write with the idea/confidence that your life is interesting enough for people to read through. In your mind, you think to yourself that people are waiting out there in the "blogosphere" hoping for a chance to peer into your life.

This leads me to the original question. Why am I writing a blog in the first place? In all honesty, as much as I love the fact that maybe someday one of my friends from high school, college or parts unknown will stumble across it and find it moving, disturbing, humorous some combination of those three or none of the above. Additionally, I run the risk of them getting nothing from it other than the blog that some guy wrote who was/is, at one point or another, a part of their life.

For now, this blog is entirely selfish. I want to become a writer someday and, with the advice of a friend who comes from writing royalty (if such a concept existed), suggested that a blog would be a good way for me to get my foot in the door.

In my post from over a year ago, I mentioned that I wanted to write erotica and other assorted topics. Since reading the blogs of other people, I've wanted to dabble into reviewing movies (G --> XXX rated) but then again, there goes that nagging self doubt that seeps into my mind, takes up residence and becomes a tenant that is oh-so-reluctant to evict.

I think another reason for writing this blog is that I could create different characters who represent aspects of my personality that, if not combined with other aspects of my personality, could represent me as : 1.) Socio-path 2.) Pervert 3.) Introvert 4.) Extrovert 5.) Misogynist 6.) Weakling 7.) Door-mat 8.) Dom, or way too many other concepts to list. Bad? Probably. TMI? Most definitely. Uncomfortable? Sure why not? Perhaps one of my greater wants is for readers of this blog to see me as an individual with many dimensions and as capable of creating good works as much as being sinful.

I guess that my life has, for lack of a better phrase, been defined by a desire to be someone who always created and spread good works wherever he went. A most noble task if ever there was one. Many of the most revered individuals in our time who did such good things and created such good works were revered for their paths. But were they understood?

Look at someone like MLK. He's known world wide for his position of non-violence to bring about social change. He is revered for what he did for people coming from disadvantaged groups. But what was it about his life, his experiences and his general demeanor that put him on that path (one that would lead him to an untimely demise)? Did we understand his wants and needs? Were they deeper than the taglines or anything of the sort? Didn't he commit adultery? If so, isn't this an aspect of his personality that we need to roll into all of the goodness that he spread? I guess it depends on whether or not knowing someone like this would change how you viewed the person and the works that he/she may have created. Would you think less of Dr. King's message if it came from him knowing that he cheated on his wife? Would you be more skeptical of Christianity if you knew that Christ masturbated?

I guess my point is that if you had a chance to learn more about a person than you thought existed, would that change how you viewed that person? The person had all of these personality traits before you met him/her yet before you knew that they did "X" or "Y", you held them in lofty regards and, perhaps unfairly, held the person to a standard that they may have never wished upon themselves. Do they become something else? Do they stay the same?

This is my fear in writing a blog. I may reveal things that change the way a person views me. But then again, if they held me in high regards prior to knowing that thing about me, would this change drastically?

Perhaps my problem is that I think that the things that I've done in my life are so horrible when they may be more common than I think. Or perhaps I think that things that i've done are so interesting that they justify a blog when they are actually quite common and, more importantly, banal.

In the end, I think that I think too much and gauge my reactions by the way that I think that people will react rather than just having a reaction, posting it and letting the interwebs decide my fate. Additionally, i'm too impatient and want an automatic reaction to my thoughts rather than just writing and letting people come across the damn thing (and react to it) when they're good and ready. Patience is, unfortunately, a virtue I lack. Perhaps this blog will help me learn its' mystical ways (ideally amongst other things).